May 9
Scream while there’s life left.
I’m tired of trying to explain all of the ways that rape has affected me and why. A lot of people just do not understand it, and I am completely ashamed of myself for it. It makes me feel weak, and cowardly. It makes me suddenly realize in the midst of conversation about it that my thighs feel to big and my waist does not feel small enough. It makes me want to apologize for not being able to stop it from happening, for being this way, for not being stronger. For not being over it. I just wish it hadn’t happened. But it did, for 11 months, every day, and then some.
& I’m just tired of everything in general lately. I will not be broken but I’ve hit as low as I can go. A lot of things are just going wrong/changing right now, and I can’t handle it alone.
It’s so strange how we always tend to feel the same things around the same times. I just got home from Walmart and sat down to write, when I saw this. I really could not have explained how I feel at this moment any better.
On the ride home, staring out my car window, I saw the remains of the once proud elephant statue on the side of the road. What used to represent (for me at least) pride, strength, and beauty, had been desecrated and left to rot for all to see. In the moment when my eyes locked on the once precious statue, I felt them fill with tears; I empathized with that broken beast so much. I too feel like I’ve been beaten to a pulp with a sledgehammer or something of that sort, and have been left for the world to gawk at.
Will they put the elephant back up, & repair the damage?
Will my damage be repaired?
